Have you ever noticed that people love to give advice when presented with a problem? I don't know about you, but I immediately jump into "problem-solving mode" when a friend starts to express some form of dissatisfaction with their life (a trait I'm sure I get from my father...). It's because I want to help- I never want to see my loved ones suffer...and it's a bit of an ego boost to feel like I have valuable insight to offer...whether it's solicited or not.
And how about being on the receiving end of advice? Maybe it's just me (I have been accused of being stubborn once or twice), but when someone starts telling me what I "should do," I have a knee-jerk reaction to dig in my heels and start poking holes into any suggestion offered. It's as if my ego goes into overdrive to prove why such suggestions will not work.
So here's where I'm going to give you some good advice about giving good advice: Don't.
Ask questions; don't try to give answers. You can't possibly know the answer that is right for another person; all you can do is share your own experience, which may or may not be helpful. The person you are talking to already has the solution inside of them; they just haven't uncovered it yet. They just need help finding it. If you really want to help (and I know you do), just ask questions. Most of the time anyone struggling with an issue has just not dug deeply enough to find the answers that already exist. Your job is to be an enlightened witness and help them find their own answers. It's kind of like handing someone a shovel: questions are a tool to aid in the excavation process. Sometimes being an enlightened witness requires you to just be supportive when your friend uncovers some emotional bullshit that has been buried for years- like standing there with a wheelbarrow to help carry away the extraneous dirt. Breakthroughs come from within- never from an external source, so don't get in the way of the process- be a facilitator instead.
So stop pretending that you are the next Ann Landers or "Dear Abby," and just listen. Asking simple questions like "why," or asking them what they really want, are good prompts to start the process. Give them the shovel, but let them handle the excavation process- your job as a friend is to give them a couple helpful tools and man the wheelbarrow. Trust me- your friends probably aren't going to heed your advice anyway, so you might as well just help them get to the answers on their own!
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
Knowing What's Real
People these days seem to have an interesting definition of friendship. We have "Facebook" friends, work friends, childhood friends and friends with whom we share common interests. But what does it really mean to be a "friend" to someone?
Most people would agree that a friend should be someone that we enjoy spending time with, that we have shared experiences or a history with, or someone that we could go to in a time of need...and I would agree. However I feel that being a REAL friend goes a lot deeper than that. Most "friendships" that I observe are superficial relationships at best. What I mean is that most of our relationships never develop beyond the enjoyment of one another's company or giving each other a hand when it's necessary. These folks are really little more than acquaintances.
A REAL friend is that rare person who really accepts you, quirks and all. They don't discard you when you screw up- even when you really hurt their feelings. A REAL friend will also pull you aside and let you know when they think you are screwing up. You see, they care enough about you to look out for you, even if that means telling you things that you really don't want to hear. They don't avoid uncomfortable topics just to keep the peace. They don't simply discard the friendship when their feelings get hurt or when they feel that you are on the wrong track. A REAL friend has the courage to express how they feel and ask for what they need in a relationship. A REAL friend has the emotional maturity to go the distance with you, call you on your crap and help you sort through it too.
A lot of people will walk away from someone that calls them out for bad behavior. I get it- it's uncomfortable. But think about it: an acquaintance is not going to fight for a relationship, and they are not invested in you. It's easy to walk away. But a REAL friend will do whatever it takes to protect you, even if it's from yourself. These rare folks love you enough to have corrective conversations with you in order for you to develop into the person that they know you can be. Call it tough love if you will. They will also come to you when they hear something disturbing about you in the rumor mill. They will ask you direct questions. They will ask you your side of the story. They will get facts before they make judgements. And most importantly, they will communicate their concerns and help you work through your struggles.
It's great to know a lot of people, and it's fun to feel popular. But ask yourself how many people in your life will pull you aside and straighten you out when necessary. Having an uncomfortable conversation actually deepens a relationship. You just have to recognize that caring for someone sometimes means helping them get back on track. So let's stop being cowards when it comes to our communication with each other. Let's go deeper in our relationships, because that's what REAL friendship is all about.
Most people would agree that a friend should be someone that we enjoy spending time with, that we have shared experiences or a history with, or someone that we could go to in a time of need...and I would agree. However I feel that being a REAL friend goes a lot deeper than that. Most "friendships" that I observe are superficial relationships at best. What I mean is that most of our relationships never develop beyond the enjoyment of one another's company or giving each other a hand when it's necessary. These folks are really little more than acquaintances.
A REAL friend is that rare person who really accepts you, quirks and all. They don't discard you when you screw up- even when you really hurt their feelings. A REAL friend will also pull you aside and let you know when they think you are screwing up. You see, they care enough about you to look out for you, even if that means telling you things that you really don't want to hear. They don't avoid uncomfortable topics just to keep the peace. They don't simply discard the friendship when their feelings get hurt or when they feel that you are on the wrong track. A REAL friend has the courage to express how they feel and ask for what they need in a relationship. A REAL friend has the emotional maturity to go the distance with you, call you on your crap and help you sort through it too.
A lot of people will walk away from someone that calls them out for bad behavior. I get it- it's uncomfortable. But think about it: an acquaintance is not going to fight for a relationship, and they are not invested in you. It's easy to walk away. But a REAL friend will do whatever it takes to protect you, even if it's from yourself. These rare folks love you enough to have corrective conversations with you in order for you to develop into the person that they know you can be. Call it tough love if you will. They will also come to you when they hear something disturbing about you in the rumor mill. They will ask you direct questions. They will ask you your side of the story. They will get facts before they make judgements. And most importantly, they will communicate their concerns and help you work through your struggles.
It's great to know a lot of people, and it's fun to feel popular. But ask yourself how many people in your life will pull you aside and straighten you out when necessary. Having an uncomfortable conversation actually deepens a relationship. You just have to recognize that caring for someone sometimes means helping them get back on track. So let's stop being cowards when it comes to our communication with each other. Let's go deeper in our relationships, because that's what REAL friendship is all about.
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