Good Advice: Just Man the Wheelbarrow

Have you ever noticed  that people love to give advice when presented with a problem? I don't know about you, but I immediately jump into "problem-solving mode" when a friend starts to express some form of dissatisfaction with their life (a trait I'm sure I get from my father...). It's because I want to help- I never want to see my loved ones suffer...and it's a bit of an ego boost to feel like I have valuable insight to offer...whether it's solicited or not.

And how about being on the receiving end of advice? Maybe it's just me (I have been accused of being stubborn once or twice), but when someone starts telling me what I "should do," I have a knee-jerk reaction to dig in my heels and start poking holes into any suggestion offered. It's as if my ego goes into overdrive to prove why such suggestions will not work.

So here's where I'm going to give you some good advice about giving good advice: Don't.

Ask questions; don't try to give answers. You can't possibly know the answer that is right for another person; all you can do is share your own experience, which may or may not be helpful. The person you are talking to already has the solution inside of them; they just haven't uncovered it yet. They just need help finding it. If you really want to help (and I know you do), just ask questions. Most of the time anyone struggling with an issue has just not dug deeply enough to find the answers that already exist. Your job is to be an enlightened witness and help them find their own answers. It's kind of like handing someone a shovel: questions are a tool to aid in the excavation process. Sometimes being an enlightened witness requires you to just be supportive when your friend uncovers some emotional bullshit that has been buried for years- like standing there with a wheelbarrow to help carry away the extraneous dirt. Breakthroughs come from within- never from an external source, so don't get in the way of the process- be a facilitator instead.

So stop pretending that you are the next Ann Landers or "Dear Abby," and just listen. Asking simple questions like "why," or asking them what they really want, are good prompts to start the process. Give them the shovel, but let them handle the excavation process- your job as a friend is to give them a couple helpful tools and man the wheelbarrow. Trust me- your friends probably aren't going to heed your advice anyway, so you might as well just help them get to the answers on their own!